Yes, you read the title right. For those of you who know me, you know that through the years, I have always been this strong and independent woman. Even my mom thinks that I have a rock for heart. I have always been this girl who’s goal-oriented. I wanted to enjoy and make the most out of my life. Being single was a personal choice. I wanted to focus on achieving my dreams, I avoided any kind of feelings and attachments. I built a wall around me. I rejected any kind of feelings, and I had the tendency to push away those who cared about me. The environment that I had, and my past, made me scared. I told myself, no guy is worth the try. And that’s where I went wrong. All those years, I just wanted someone I can “play around” and company. That’s all I asked. Because, I don’t see myself being committed to anyone, or being in a relationship. 10 months ago, I decided, I’m done playing around. I went to law school and started streaming. I changed, because I wanted to. I made that decision by myself. And I was happy and contented. I was this girl who’s just working, streaming, studying, and blogging. No more fooling around. No more party girl. I was someone who’s contented with what I have despite all the stress I’ve been going through, juggling all my passion and dreams.
Almost three months ago, I met this guy. This guy is worth all the time, effort, tears and pain. He’s worth a try. He broke down my walls in two months. Yes two months. All those years of building those walls, and in two months, poof, it was crumbling into pieces. I met him when I Ieast expected it. I was being friendly and all. I can’t even believe it when he asked me out and he told me that he likes me. I was like, “how can this really awesome guy like me?” We went out on a few dates. I don’t really do dating so I was really clueless. I started going to his place, and he introduced me to his friends. I can still remember how he looked at me. All those years, in my 26 years of experience, no one else looked at me the same way he did. I asked him, “why are you looking at me like that?” He said, “If I am looking at you, it’s not because I’m thinking of something weird or anything, I am just admiring you and I’m just really happy that you’re here right now.” Call me cheesy or cliche, but all those encounters with men, I know that look, it was different. It was my first.
My friends told me, “He came at the right time. You decided to change on your own, you’re genuinely happy.” “He’s your game changer.” And much to my surprise, he is my game changer. I found someone who talks to me on the daily. Who wakes me up, calls me in the morning. Who asks for dates and constantly wants to see me. He’s happy to see me, and appreciates my whole existence. I finally found someone who genuinely cares about me. Someone who understands my depression, someone who accepted my past, someone who didn’t treat me as a trophy. Someone who would still even want to watch movies with me even after working for 13 hours straight. Someone who accompanied me to almost 4 hours commute just to be with me and meet my friend. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me appreciate and love myself more.
One month ago, I started being paranoid. I started being negative and unhappy. I started being scared, because I was already falling for him and I wanted an assurance. I kept thinking, “It’s impossible. This is too good to be true. If it’s too good to be true, then it’s probably not true.” I was so negative, I told myself, I’m gonna mess this up, I’m gonna fuck this up. How can I have everything that I want, it’s not possible to have everything. I have a good career, okay grades, I have been getting good opportunities on my blog, my growth on my stream has been great. How can I have a good relationship as well? I must be dreaming. I was too focused on the negative that I eventually messed it up. I went on a full-blown emotional attack on him one day before my birthday. I said things that I shouldn’t have. I invalidated everything. We eventually patched things, after 3 tries. Yup, we had the same issue for 3 times. I wouldn’t have realized everything if I didn’t came to a point that I almost lost him. And it was the most painful thing that I experienced and it was so much painful than being cheated on.
We are okay right now. I’m glad he still decided to accept me after everything. That’s when I realized, there’s nothing to be paranoid. Because if this guy doesn’t care, he wouldn’t give me another chance. Things are not back to the way they used to but I’m sure eventually it will be okay. I really miss the old us, but I know when things start going back to normal, I’ll know how to appreciate it and be positive. After all, things are sweeter the second time around, right?
To the guy that I met, if you’re reading this, I’m happy that I met you. I’m glad that you came to my life. Thank your for never getting tired of understanding me. Thank you for giving me another chance to make this dating thing work for us. Thank you for making me realize those things on my own. I’m so proud of you and I’ll never get tired of supporting your endeavors. I love you.