Loop

She woke up. Crying. She felt a sigh of relief. “Just another nightmare.” She reached for her phone, realizing it was not a nightmare. She suddenly finds it hard to breathe. It felt like something was stuck in her heart, all she can feel is pain. She started to cry. “No, it can’t be true. This is probably just another nightmare, I’ll probably wake up soon.” She stood up, walked to her home office, and turned on her laptop. She looked at her Messenger. She realized it’s not really a dream anymore. She chatted some friends. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired.” But all everyone sees is the strong and independent girl who’ve been through so much. “You got this, you are strong. It’s time to put the nail in the coffin.” She realized she was right, but she just can’t. She started to chat other friends. Telling the story over and over again. Yet, she knows deep down what needs to be done. It’s time. She heard a knock. “Hey mom, thanks for checking up on me.” She felt better, but right after her mom leaves and closes the door again, she starts to feel trapped and alone again. She’s scared. She doesn’t want this feeling anymore. She felt this before, and she’s tired of feeling this, she wanted to just shut everything off. “Why does everyone expect that I’ll be okay? I know I will, but can’t they for once, realize that I need their support? That for once, I am not this emotionless human being and I need help? That I need company and comfort? That I am weak at the moment and I need a rope to hold on?”

She went to her bed, hugged her pillows, and cried. “It’s still the same cycle. How can I escape this? I should have never tried. I should never given myself a chance. I was right. It was all an illusion. Everything will shatter into pieces at some point. Why did I even let myself believe this time will be different? I should have known better. I shouldn’t have trusted. I should have not let my walls down. I should have not removed my mask.” She cried and cried, until she was tired. She picked up her iPad, and launched Netflix. She watched TV series the rest of day. As she looked into the window, she realized, it was already night time. She went into her home office again, hoping for good news. None again. She decided to buy two bottles of beer, and went to chat her friends. She knows they are tired of hearing the same thing over and over again, but she talked to them anyway. “It went downhill, I don’t even recommend patching things up.” She knows her friend is right, so she bought another two bottles just to help her sleep. “Maybe he just needs time. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up, things will be different,” she thought. “Why am I not enough? I did everything to make up for what I said. I lost myself for a while, that isn’t me. Why can’t we just compromise?” She kept blaming herself. She can’t understand why on one night, she ruined everything good. She waited for something like this for years, she hates herself for messing this up. She knows she could have handled it better. She finally felt dizzy enough to fall asleep. She went to bed, daydreaming. She thought maybe by daydreaming and thinking positive, the universe will turn tides to her favor. She fell asleep smiling But then, she woke up. Crying. She felt a sigh of relief. “Just another nightmare.”