I’ve only met you for a few weeks. But for a woman like me, and a guy like you, it feels so long. I rarely “like” someone. It’s because I’ve been so tired of the sh*ts. So I don’t easily like someone more than I am supposed to. I am a f*ccgirl, and “liking someone” isn’t really in my dictionary.
But it happened. It happened so soon. We were getting along quite okay with out “setup.” Until I started feeling guilty about what happened between me and your brother way back. I am not supposed to. And I am not obliged to tell you. But then I wanted to. So when you finally got to ask the right question, I admitted everything. And now I am regretting it.
I feel like I liked you more than I actually liked you brother. I liked you for who you are not for the fact that you are his brother. It’s f*cked up. As much as I want to fix this, I know there’s no way I can go back and undo the decisions I made and there’s no convincing you to change your mind either. After all, who’s in their right mind that would actually accept me? And those st*pud things I did especially with your brother? I just wish I could go back. I keep on messing up. I keep on making wrong decisions in my life. I keep screwing up.
I wish we met under different circumstances. Or at least I didn’t do the things I did when I met you. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve me. Now, even if I try to make myself deserving, there’s no going back, there’s nothing I can do but forget you.
How do I forget you then? It’s been weeks since you left me. But I just can’t. I keep on drinking myself to death, avoiding Facebook, hiding the chat bar to avoid seeing your name, going somewhere every Wednesday so I would forget our Wednesdays together. How do I forget you? How do I accept that I screwed up? How can I finally realize that I will never be the girl for you? I just wish I can do something. Something. To make things right and be worthy of someone like you.
When can I finally wake up not missing chatting with you? When can I finally stop feeling dreadful of Wednesdays? When can I finally feel nothing every time I see your name on Facebook? When can I finally accept that we will never go back to how we used to be before you found out? I miss you so much, #11.