I haven’t wrote something personal in a while and I feel like this is the perfect time to write a quick post.
I have always been this strong, independent woman. I have always suppressed all types of feelings. Because to me, these are just nuisances to my ultimate goal. Because I’ve always believed that it’s just bullshit. That it will all end up of the same way. It’s been a cycle. It’s been like that for years, and I got used to it. Little did I know, that all of these, built up insecurities in me. I had trust issues not only to myself but to other people as well. I’ve been so used to being objectified that I thought it isn’t possible someone will come along who wouldn’t.
Someone came along. He looked at me differently. For the first time in my life, someone isn’t looking at me lustfully. Someone looks at me with pure admiration and interest. And I thought l, “hey this isn’t possible.” I’ve trained myself that if something is too good to be true, then it probably isn’t. Life has been really good for the past month. I’m doing okay on my law school classes, I have a job that pays good, I’ve received several opportunities on my blog and my stream is also doing well. I met someone. I can’t have everything, and I told myself, one way or the other, I’m gonna fuck up one of those things. And I did. Too much negative thinking. It happened. I fucked up. I messed up.
I was too focused on thinking that “I’m gonna lose him. I’m gonna fuck it up.” And because of my paranoia, insecurities and negative thinking, I actually did it. I lost him. I gave in to the monsters inside my head. Now, I’m drowning myself in self-pity and regret because I let my mind win over me.
I let myself believe that I can’t be happy. That I don’t deserve him. I keep on thinking that I’m gonna lose him, that I actually pushed him away. I didn’t give myself and him a chance. I was too focused on assurances and negative things that I failed to see the good thing in front of me. I failed to give value on the good thing that happened to me in years. I kept on thinking that everyone is just gonna treat me the same way despite his efforts. I insulted him. And I’m sorry. I am not gonna make up some excuse. There’s no else to blame but me. I’m not gonna use my fucked up past as an excuse. I’m owning to my mistake and I’m willing to face the consequence. I at least owe him that. I’m selfish, insecure, and an asshole for insulting and disrespecting all his efforts to make it work.
I found someone who understands my mental issues, who accepted my fucked up self, who understands me if I become really busy in my studies, who accepted me for who I am and who I was. And look what I did in return. I invalidated all his efforts. What a jerk.
Whatever he may decide after this, I’m willing to accept it. I’ll take it as a lesson. Yeah, I did realize how much I do love him, but the most important realization that I have to remember is that I’m allowed to be happy. That not everyone is gonna treat me the same way. That it is important to actually love yourself truly. I thought I already love myself, turns out I don’t. Turns out I have a lot of insecurities and trust issues with myself.
I’m done crying and wallowing in self-pity and regret. I will face the problem and I’m gonna fight the monster inside my head. After all, I’m a strong and independent woman, right?
PS Sorry if there’s typos and all, I only wrote this on the Notes app of my phone. Lol. Thank you so much for reading such a dramatic post on my birthday.