Day 22

Day 22, my love.

I still think of you every second. I still crave for your touch and kisses. I still dream of sleeping on your arms and looking deep into those lonely eyes of yours. I still wake up everyday longing for your message. I still care for your more than I should. I still think that someday, we will have our chance. Sometimes, it’s the right person, but wrong time.

I looked into my past, and I saw the old me in you. That’s when I know, we are in the wrong timeline. And while I know I cannot wait for you forever, I am spending time healing myself. I realized, I didn’t actually healed for the past few years. I ran away from all the pain and the consequences of my action. I embraced my pain and mistakes instead of learning from them. I thought I already learned a lot from you, and that the learning stage is already over, but tonight, I realized, there is still so much to learn.

I have to let you learn and heal by yourself, because like me, I wouldn’t have realized everything by having you around. I had to learn it the hard way because that’s the only way for us to truly heal. For us to truly be ready to be with each other. I want to be ready for you. I want to be deserving of you. I want to be your girl, the one that you are spending the rest of your life with. And I am in no hurry for that. I am happy that I met you, even if it was on a wrong time. Because meeting you made me realize that I need to truly love myself, and not just fake love, but truly love myself. You don’t deserve a half-cooked me. You deserve a fully whole, Athena who will be ready for you. And I also deserve to have a whole you. Someday, we’ll be ready for each other. Someday, I’ll go back to you, knocking on your door, smiling, because I know then, that finally we are on the right timeline.

I need to battle with my demons on my own. And I need to let you fight yours, alone. While I know there’s no assurance for the both of us, I know deep inside, we will meet again. We will cross paths again, and when that happens, I know that we are right for each other. I love you, not because I’m lonely or I’m alone. I love you and I need you, because I know, you are the one for me.

“Trust the process,” “You are not ready,” I heard this countless of times for the last few months. I was stubborn not to listen. And now, we are here. I refused to understand. I refused to accept. I refused to listen. I kept on telling myself that I already learned a lot, that I’m ready, that I’m okay. That I understand. When in fact, I don’t, I just want you back desperately that I refused to look at what’s in front of me. I’m too immature. I am still the Athena that you saw, “it’s always about what you want,” you said. And now I am fully realizing, that you are right. I am such a hypocrite. I am not ready for someone as special as you. But I am not giving up, I’m not pushing you away, I am preparing myself to be ready for what’s in store for our future. That’s how much I love you, and myself.

I love you, I always will. You will always have this special place in my heart. You will serve as an inspiration for me to heal myself, an inspiration to pursue a better future. I will never stop loving you, I will just stop showing it to you, for now. See you soon, my love.