Diary, Personal

What Do I Really Want?

I’m confused. Who am I? What do I really want? What’s in it for me? What am I made for? Do I really want to “just have fun?” Or is just a pathetic excuse to say that I’m happy being alone? I’m happy. But what I’m doing this “have fun” thing while I am still free. But why do most of the people I know thinks I feel otherwise? They think it’s just a pathetic excuse. I know I want to make the most out of life. Travel, career, friends, socialize, watch, read, family. That’s just to name a few. And whatever you say, having a partner will restrain me on some things. He will be a part of my life whether I like it or not. He will be always be a factor in every decision I make. Maybe not all, but I will always have to think about when I do something, will he be mad? How will he feel? What will he think? And I am not ready for that. I want freedom. I am not ready to be in a relationship. But yes, I do need a friend and someone to “have fun with.” I want a companion, without commitments just yet. Because I know, I am emotionally not ready yet. I don’t like the “me” when she’s in love. I don’t like the feeling of getting head over heels over someone. I don’t like the feeling of revolving my world on one person. I don’t want to be love sick. I don’t like the feeling of being in love.

But sometimes, I wonder. Do I really feel like that? Or I am just trying to protect an image? And I just can’t find that someone? I don’t like “feeling” so how can I fall for someone again? Sometimes I think, I’m a bit nervous that when that someone comes, I’ll have to eat every word I said. That I am a strong and independent woman. That love is just full of bull. That there’s no such thing as monogamy. I don’t even believe in the concept of karma anymore. And even if monogamy is possible, I can never believe that a guy can stop fooling around. I am not generalizing all men here, but personally I think that, if there’s this sexy, beautiful, and smart girl who’s willing to take off their clothes in front of a committed man and willing to keep their mouth shut about anything that will happen, I doubt any man could resist the offer. I really doubt. Don’t ask me why. Take a guess.

What do I really want, then? Am I still capable of trusting someone? Am I still capable of loving someone? Where are you?

Eh, just some random 3:00 A.M. thoughts. I know what I want but I just wondered, if what I know is real. Sometimes you just can’t know what’s real anymore.

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