This is my first breakdown ever since my grandmother died. The first time I actually cried this year. This year has really been hard for me, but I never shed even a single tear. I never cried when I found out I won’t graduate. I never cried when I had my final break up with my most recent relationship. I never cried even at the times that I should have. They say I should get drunk so I could let it all out. Well, even that is not effective for me. Two weeks ago, I had my very first real blackout, one where I don’t even remember a thing. A blackout where you just wake up and found yourself you are already in your room. The people who saw me and tried to take care of me that night told me that I was too stubborn and I keep on saying, “I can handle myself, I’m a strong and independent woman.” All that, I said while lying with my face on floor. So even when I’m actually unconscious, I still pretend and continue my st*pid front. That I am this strong and independent woman. I am sick and tired of these pretension. I am sick of lying even to myself. I am sick of the things I say just to make myself believe it’s true. Maybe, I am a strong and independent woman. But right now, I am not. I am tired. I am exhausted. But I can’t even admit that. Even to the people closest to me. They look up to me. They admire my strength, I can’t bear to see that I’ve disappointed them. Some of my friends know that a part of what I’m showing to them is just a front. They know how broken and damaged I am inside. But still, I refused to open up. I refuse to admit weakness. My dear self, when will you finally find the strength to admit weakness? Ironic. How I claim that I am strong but I can’t even find the strength to admit the truth. Yes, some may say, “Athena, it’s okay to be weak sometimes, it’s okay to cry,” but I don’t feel that way. I feel like showing even the slightest bit of weakness, someone will take advantage, someone will mock me, and they will brand me as weak. I don’t want that.
Even as I finally found my tears after almost a year. The tears that have been struggling to get out. The tears that scared me, because I know, when I see it, I’m weak. After finally getting it all out, I wasn’t actually able to get it all out. I had to suddenly stop myself from crying. Not because I still worried about the front, but because I have to get up. I can’t afford to waste time on crying, I have duties and responsibilities to do. So I stood up, decided to write this real quick so I can work on my duties. It’s sad that when I was finally able to cry, I couldn’t find the luxury of time to continue and let it all out. Maybe soon, I can. Maybe someday, I can find the time, the tears, and the strength. I really wanted to talk to Him, tell Him everything and finally be able to open up, but I don’t have much time. I have a lot on my hands right now. Lord, please help me find again the strength to let it all out again, and let it be on a perfect timing to cry.