Diary, Personal

Being Happy

 

 

Being happy is a choice. You probably have heard it a lot of times by now. But do you think it’s true? Before, I used to believe in this. But for the past year, I had my doubts. 2016 has been really harsh for me. I chose to be happy. Because I’ve always believed that being happy is a choice. But even though I chose to be happy, I know deep inside, I’m not. Everything is fake. I’m a fraud. I pretended to be happy. I was hoping that maybe, pretending to be happy, keeping myself busy and distracting myself to avoid the truth, may change things. I thought that by choosing to be happy, I could be actually happy eventually. But I was wrong.

As 2016 ended, I continued my facade. December 30-31, 2016 was nice, though I’m not sure if it can actually be counted as a nice. I was with number 8 and almost number 10. In my current status, those two days can be counted be as fun. I wanted to end 2016 positive, hoping it will give me a good 2017. I don’t want to have another 2016, a painful year. I ended 2015 with grief and it probably affected the vibes I attracted for 2016. Again, I tried to be happy. Hoping I could actually be happy. If happiness is a choice, and I choose to be happy, why do I feel incomplete? Why do I feel broken, damaged, and unlovable?

I’m damaged. I have an ugly past. I’m hard to love. It will take a strong man to actually love me. A strong man who can actually destroy the walls I’ve built around me. Sometimes I wonder, is there such man? Is love still possible for me? Because I don’t feel anything anymore. I’ve lost all trust. How can believe an “I love you” from a guy? I know, at the back of mind, that any guy, no matter how good is capable of cheating. That, if there comes a chance, a smart, beautiful, sexy girl and who’s willing to keep her mouth shut, flirts with a man, they will give in to temptation. How can I trust again? Is it even possible? I don’t even believe in attachments anymore. I’m the type of girl who doesn’t care if you stay in my life or not. I will feel the fear of losing you but I will do nothing to stop you if you decide to leave. “Ayoko mawala ka, pero kung mawala ka, okay lang.” (I don’t want to lose you, but if you leave, it’s okay.) That’s how I feel. Stay if you want, leave if you want. I don’t give a damn. I don’t even remember the feeling of loving a partner anymore. If this is how I feel, is love still possible?

Is it still possible? Is there still hope in me? If I choose to be happy this 2017, can I finally feel true happiness? Can I finally feel whole once again?

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